The first thoughts

It’s 1:47am in the UK, 20:47 in the US and 21:47 in Sao Paulo. I’ve been trying to figure out a sleeping pattern to reduce the jetlag, but my head and emotions are too muddled to think rationally. Bearing in mind the confusion my little head is going through, here goes in an insight into my journey.

I’ve been travelling by myself since the age of seven, but on the morning of the 28^th of August I was absolutely and utterly petrified. I woke up feeling so sick, nervous and anxious that the only thing I could do was sleep. I couldn’t even reply to texts (and I love my texts) because that was making the day all the more real. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that the day I had been planning for the past couple of months had arrived. It was that day you knew was coming but never seemed to arrive and then it slapped you across your face. It screamed at you ‘Oh hey, you remember you wanted to be independent and travel? Well here’s your opportunity!’ when you had just gotten used to being a home and your little cute life.

12 hours into this 24-hour journey and I’m still in denial about the opportunity that awaits me. I’m sat typing away in Newark, which according to the Immigration Officer is one of the US’s roughest cities, while feeling totally and utterly lost. Well, actually, I’m just not thinking. I think I’m still feeling that slap from life that has left me partially blind.

Ok, I’m only moving away for a year. Yes, I’m going home for Christmas, but I’m that 20 year old girl who loves her home, friends and is scared of the dark. I’m that person who loves the idea of being adventurous (terms and conditions apply) who then goes ‘oh em gee… I cannot do this!’ So, when I found myself boarding a plane to Newark, I was lost.

I want to share with you how I’m feeling, but I don’t know myself. As we flew away from London, the U.K. and Europe and came into the US my thoughts and feelings towards this stage in my life changed drastically. Gazing out of the window into the baby blue sky cuddled with clouds, I felt appreciative for life; for all the opportunities I’ve had, for my friends – for everything. I saw the beauty in life and its grandiosity. But as the scenes changed, I started to dwell on everything that had happened recently and everything I thought I was prepared for, but wasn’t. I started to think about my home, Portugal, my family back there and how much I miss them. I remembered all the ‘sacrifices’ I had to go through and how much I had to say ‘see you later’ to in order to fulfil this dream.

I am, without a doubt, blessed to have this opportunity to go and work in Brazil for a year. I am, without a doubt, surrounded by the most beautiful souls who have comforted me into this journey. But nothing has come at ease. This opportunity didn’t fall from the sky onto my lap. It involved so much determination and commitment; it required so much strength and self-belief. It demanded so much faith. But most of all it required so much courage to accept life as it is and to act on the unknown.

My mum once shared with me the age-old wisdom that when the sun rises, it rises for everyone. With each day that we have on this beautiful and complicated planet Earth we have an opportunity to grow and embrace life. It just goes down to us whether we are willing to feel the fear, let go off everything and embark on its magnificent path. And that’s exactly what I had to do regarding Brazil. I had to feel the fear, let go off everything and embark onto a journey of the unknown.

So, I guess the best way to describe how I am feeling is fearful: fearful of what awaits me, fearful of the beauty of life, fearful of the human potential. Although, I’m currently feeling a bit lost and out-of-place, I also feel happy and grateful for this wonderful opportunity although so very conscious of everything my heart is missing.