The first thoughts

It’s 1:47am in the UK, 20:47 in the US and 21:47 in Sao Paulo. I’ve been trying to figure out a sleeping pattern to reduce the jetlag, but my head and emotions are too muddled to think rationally. Bearing in mind the confusion my little head is going through, here goes in an insight into my journey.

I’ve been travelling by myself since the age of seven, but on the morning of the 28^th of August I was absolutely and utterly petrified. I woke up feeling so sick, nervous and anxious that the only thing I could do was sleep. I couldn’t even reply to texts (and I love my texts) because that was making the day all the more real. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that the day I had been planning for the past couple of months had arrived. It was that day you knew was coming but never seemed to arrive and then it slapped you across your face. It screamed at you ‘Oh hey, you remember you wanted to be independent and travel? Well here’s your opportunity!’ when you had just gotten used to being a home and your little cute life.

12 hours into this 24-hour journey and I’m still in denial about the opportunity that awaits me. I’m sat typing away in Newark, which according to the Immigration Officer is one of the US’s roughest cities, while feeling totally and utterly lost. Well, actually, I’m just not thinking. I think I’m still feeling that slap from life that has left me partially blind.

Ok, I’m only moving away for a year. Yes, I’m going home for Christmas, but I’m that 20 year old girl who loves her home, friends and is scared of the dark. I’m that person who loves the idea of being adventurous (terms and conditions apply) who then goes ‘oh em gee… I cannot do this!’ So, when I found myself boarding a plane to Newark, I was lost.

I want to share with you how I’m feeling, but I don’t know myself. As we flew away from London, the U.K. and Europe and came into the US my thoughts and feelings towards this stage in my life changed drastically. Gazing out of the window into the baby blue sky cuddled with clouds, I felt appreciative for life; for all the opportunities I’ve had, for my friends – for everything. I saw the beauty in life and its grandiosity. But as the scenes changed, I started to dwell on everything that had happened recently and everything I thought I was prepared for, but wasn’t. I started to think about my home, Portugal, my family back there and how much I miss them. I remembered all the ‘sacrifices’ I had to go through and how much I had to say ‘see you later’ to in order to fulfil this dream.

I am, without a doubt, blessed to have this opportunity to go and work in Brazil for a year. I am, without a doubt, surrounded by the most beautiful souls who have comforted me into this journey. But nothing has come at ease. This opportunity didn’t fall from the sky onto my lap. It involved so much determination and commitment; it required so much strength and self-belief. It demanded so much faith. But most of all it required so much courage to accept life as it is and to act on the unknown.

My mum once shared with me the age-old wisdom that when the sun rises, it rises for everyone. With each day that we have on this beautiful and complicated planet Earth we have an opportunity to grow and embrace life. It just goes down to us whether we are willing to feel the fear, let go off everything and embark on its magnificent path. And that’s exactly what I had to do regarding Brazil. I had to feel the fear, let go off everything and embark onto a journey of the unknown.

So, I guess the best way to describe how I am feeling is fearful: fearful of what awaits me, fearful of the beauty of life, fearful of the human potential. Although, I’m currently feeling a bit lost and out-of-place, I also feel happy and grateful for this wonderful opportunity although so very conscious of everything my heart is missing.

Bad into good

The last three months have been a really difficult part in my recent life. Without going into too much personal details, friendships were changed, I got out of a long-term relationship, grades changed and generally had a lot of 'bad' luck - or, so I thought.

When we are going through life in a different route than the one we anticipated we can become frustrated, sad and angry. It can be upsetting when things don't go to plan: we don't get that dream job, grade or perhaps relationship - to name a few. While you're going through this phase it can feel all bleak and despair. We don't understand why the world is unjust.

Something that made me realise this was when I got out of my relationship. I was upset that I wouldn't be able to do this and that with this person, that I wouldn't be able to call them, I wouldn't be able... It was all about me. I wanted all these things. And it hit me how selfish I was being that I would nearly rather the other person not be so happy so I could have what I wanted. I realised that what I wanted wasn't necessarily the best thing and the importance of letting go.

The beautiful thing about life is that it gives us what we need, not what we want. Sometimes we get so carried away daydreaming that we forget about the realities of the world we live in. Sometimes we have to take a step back, stop and think: why do we really want X? What will we gain? Will it really matter in the grand scheme things?

If it's meant to be it will be. If not, it won't. So when I think back about everything that has changed recently I thank the Universe. I thank it for all the opportunities to grow and evolve and to see beyond the desiring ego. I thank it for all the 'unwanted' change it brought, because through it I have been able to grow and gain a new insight into the world.

Honesty is the best policy

I've been brought up believing that honesty is the best policy. I've also been brought up to tell people how I feel. It hasn't been an easy ride.

My first encounter of this was when I was 8 years old. In the middle of class, with the most strict teacher, I asked her 'Miss. Why are you so mean!?' It's fair to say that everyone looked at me with shock on their face and so did to this teacher. 12 years later and I find myself in the same position.

I think it's sad that we live in a society that we are practically ashamed of our feelings. It's nearly as if we are these rocks, hard and cold. We may suffer when people stand on us and kick us, but we don't demonstrate it. Feelings are weak, right?

We can kid and joke ourselves, but deep down we are all beings with feelings. It's what distinguishes us from the other animals. Being honest does not make you mean, even if the truth hurts. Being honest means you have principles. Crying and feeling sad does not mean you are miserable, it means you feel. Feeling is a side of life that allows us to enjoy things and grow. Being honest about your feelings does not make you silly, it makes you human.

Moving

10 days today I move to Sao Paulo, Brazil, for a year.

I've been wanting to write a post about how it feels to do this; to move away from everything you consider home, a comfort and safe. Each time I start to write I delete everything because I cannot put into words quite how I feel. I don't think I even understand how I feel.

I decided just under a year ago that this was what I wanted. I wanted to move to Brazil. I like travelling, I like new places and I speak Portuguese. 10 months down the line and the idea feels just as distant as it did back then. I think it goes down to the fact that it's something so far out of my comfort that I can't quite conceptualize it.

The most terrifying aspect about this move is the fact that with every decision we make comes responsibility. Sometimes it isn't just about wanting something, but it's about being willing to make the exceptional effort to make it happen. To let go of everything to make something happen.

In Portugal they have a saying that goes:

"Who thinks doesn't marry, who marries doesn't think" 

And I think that is what sums up my relationship with Brazil. When I decided to move there, I didn't think. I'm an idealist. Sometimes we just have to go with what feels right rather than listen to that fear driving our irrational thinking...